I Wish I Knew Your father
Dear Friend,
I walked away from being menachem avel you feeling very inspired. I wanted to say, “I need to meet this man. Where is he? I need to have a talk with him.” Oh right, he isn’t alive anymore. I feel saddened at a lost opportunity.
The way you described his love of Shabbos and yamim tovim left me so moved. It made me aware of my lack of spiritual connection. When it came to doing retzon Hashem, he just did it. There was nothing that would stop him – not weather, pain, or illness. To me this is mind-boggling.
Like Father, Like Daughter
It seems like you have a lot of your father in you. You have a determination to help others, and there is no stopping you. But you are so humble and caring as you fulfill your mission. It sounds like your father was the same way.
I’d like to mention one thing in particular that you said that really made an impression on me. I needed to hear it, and it’s amazing how Hashem orchestrated things so that I was there when you said it.
I Wish I Knew the Man Who Never Got Upset
You told us that when someone said something unkind or acted unkind toward your father, he would never get upset. In his mind, if someone behaved like that, there could only be two possible reasons: either the person had a real personality disorder, which meant that of course, he couldn’t get upset with them – he just felt so bad for him, or your father felt it was his own problem because he wasn’t working hard enough on the relationship.
Please understand that I deal with that exact issue with a few people in my life. I can share hair-raising tales about some ways I have been treated and some things that have been said to me.
I think there is also a third category: those that might be going through a hard time. If someone was going through a rough time, it seems that nothing that person might do or say would upset your father.
True Stories that Happened to Me
That is how it was with Blima (name changed). I knew she had just gone through a really traumatic experience, and she was hurting so badly. But when she uttered those awful words that were completely false, I was so shocked I couldn’t speak; it took me a long time to forgive her.
If I would tell you about Devorah (name changed) and how she took advantage of me, manipulating a situation that caused untold harm to my family, your mouth would be hanging open. I know that Devorah has a personality disorder. I know that she is mentally unwell and that I should feel more compassion toward her. But she harmed me and hurt me very much. There was a time when I really struggled, knowing I should feel more compassion.
Forgiving Can Seem So Unfair
How was it fair that she hurt me so badly, that she did something unimaginable, but I had to be the one to forgive? She wasn’t going to give it another thought and yet would be forgiven for her behavior?
I think forgiveness in these kinds of cases doesn’t mean forgiving and pretending that nothing ever happened. Rather, this might be what your father meant when he felt he wasn’t working hard enough on a relationship. Although I was wronged, I am sure I can find my part in it and see what I could have done differently. Owning up to my stuff can definitely help with letting go of the hurt.
My friend (who should be a therapist, but isn’t, and gives me tons of great therapy) once told me, “You have a hard time letting go of your anger toward these people. It might be time.”
The Time Had Come
I agreed. The time had come. After all, anger at these people only stood to harm me. I knew that yes, they were only shluchim from Hashem when they hurt me. But for a long time, I struggled. A lot. B”H, I have made real progress in this area.
I was harming myself by holding onto all the resentment and anger. As my therapist friend said, it was time to let it go. Although I knew it was time to let go, for so long, I was stuck in the “unfair.”
It was so helpful when I heard the message from your father, through you. You were saying to me (even if you didn’t know it), “Miriam, these people are not mentally stable. Or they were hurting a lot in their own pain. You are in this world for a purpose. Hashem sent these people into your life for your tikkun hamidos. Stop fighting it.” I heard the message. It really hit home.
A parting message
I guess that is all I have to say. But I also want to take this opportunity to share with others how special your father was. So many other people can be in vulnerable places, where it is easy to feel more sensitive and hurt by other people’s actions. Maybe this can be one of your father’s parting messages: others are also suffering and that can be why they are hurting you; work on your part of the relationship and feel compassion for those around you.
May his neshamah have an aliyah.
Chevrah Lomdei Mishnah / The Society for Mishnah Study is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization dedicated to providing loved ones eternal merit through Torah Study and Prayer.
